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Legacy letters

April 21, 2008

Dear kids, your dad wishes you a happy future


Dear Aaron, Meghan and Bret,

Today, instead of teaching others how to write a legacy letter, I’m writing one of my own. On this day before Earth Day 2008, I want to share with you some of my wishes for your futures.

For me, Earth Day is a time of reflection, a chance to look back at what we’ve learned about our fragile ecosystem since the first Earth Day in 1970 and how we’ve done in the years since in making our planet more hospitable for all of its creatures. Since our very existence is intimately intertwined with our stewardship of Earth, I’m hoping that your generation and those that follow will manage our planet’s resources better than mine has.

Frankly, I don’t remember much about that first Earth Day on April 22, 1970. Your mother and I had been married less than three weeks, I was reporting to my first regular duty station in the Air Force and we were struggling to figure out how we could manage to live in Northern California on a second lieutenant’s salary. Although we were relocating to a hotbed of environmental activism, our contribution at the time was pretty much limited to not buying colored toilet paper.

As a family, we’ve grown to be more responsible over the past 38 years. But even with our relatively modest lifestyle, we would need more than one Earth if everyone lived as we do. And, as more people worldwide attempt to do just that, the strain is showing.

It is cruelly ironic that U.S. oil production peaked in the same year that Earth Day was born. Up to that point, the United States was the world’s leading oil producer and exporter. In 1970, 93 percent of the world’s energy came from fossil fuels. Although that percentage has dropped to 85 percent today (due mostly to increased use of nuclear power), the world consumes nearly twice as much fossil fuel-based energy than it did in 1970.

Given that fossil fuels are a finite resource in increasing demand and that their carbon dioxide emissions are responsible for many of the world’s environmental problems, it is clear that there is trouble ahead. Considering, too, that the modern global economy was built on cheap oil, international manufacturers that raced to the bottom line in the “boom years,” may find themselves foundering as a new world economy emerges. Despite the obvious, there are some who still view the cost of fuel as the problem rather than a symptom of a far greater problem.

The 20 million Americans who took to the streets in 1970 got the attention of federal politicians who went on to pass the Clean Air Act and form the Environmental Protection Agency. But government action has been slow and erratic, falling well behind the relentless pace of change of natural forces.

I’m proud with how each of you has positioned yourself for the challenges that lie ahead. You’re all sensible, responsible, productive members of your communities. I believe that no matter what awaits you, you’ll come up with creative, thoughtful solutions.

I regret that my generation hasn’t done a better job of managing the precious resources of our planet. Certainly our parents did their part, surviving the Great Depression and turning back the tyrants that threatened global stability in World War II. The world our parents turned over to us was one full of promise and hope. And, although we lived many years with the fear of world nuclear annihilation just the push of a button away, those same years were prosperous ones.

Our parents simply wanted us to have what they didn’t have. We took it and wanted more. And more, and more. As probably the most pampered generation in history, I think we unwittingly created a culture of entitlement where a man’s worth is measured more by what he owns than by his personal code of conduct.

When songstress Joni Mitchell wrote that “we are stardust,” her lyrical expression was an accurate reflection of scientific fact. Everything around us is derived from materials that were on this planet millions of years before humans. The genius of man is that he has been able to take the raw materials provided by nature and transform them into the buildings, roads and iPods that we use today. Even the cheap oil that has sustained us for the last 100 years or so is the result of decaying organic matter.

So here is what I hope for you, my children, and your descendants:

  • Clean air to keep your lungs clear and your spirits buoyant.
  • Fresh water to drink, bathe and play in.
  • Nutritious and readily available food to sustain you.
  • A reasonably healthy life, uncluttered by the ravages of disease, toxins and warfare.
  • A life partner with which to share the joys and sorrows that will inevitably come your way.
  • Comfortable shelter to protect you from the elements, to give you safety and refuge in times of stress, and a place where you may rest your body or enjoy the companionship of others.
  • Friends that will support you in times of need and give you a swift kick in the rear when needed.
  • Close and cordial relationships with your immediate family members, whose aggregate knowledge reflects the wisdom of generations past.
  • The confidence that your own life experience has positioned you to make appropriate decisions concerning your own family’s welfare.
  • Proper standing in your own community commensurate with your skills, knowledge and personal beliefs.
  • A strong spiritual faith that connects you to your natural environment and keeps you centered on those things in your life that truly matter to you.
  • That you develop and practice the virtues of compassion, truthfulness and generosity.
  • That you find contentment in all you do, that you find it within yourself to accomplish your dreams and that you concentrate on matters within your control and accept what you cannot.
  • That you live a full life, true to your own beliefs without doing harm to others.

With love always,

Dad

Photo: Meghan, Aaron and Bret Lehmerby lwlehmer.

March 14, 2008

Friends belong in your family history, too

“It's the ones you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that really matter.”

Sounds like a recent campaign ad from one of the presidential candidates, doesn’t it? Actually, that quote is from actress Marlene Dietrich on the subject of friends.

Friends are often overlooked when we compile our family histories. They don’t show up in our family tree, but their influence on our lives is often profound. Our most intense personal experiences often involve non-family members.

I stress the importance of friends in my legacy letter writing workshops where we explore best friends at various stages of our lives. Friends often move so seamlessly through our lives that we’re barely aware of their importance in our life journey until after they’re gone. A lifelong friend is a treasure, indeed.

The best perspective on a family’s inner workings is often from outside the family, from a distance close enough to observe but distant enough to not be drawn into the process itself. That’s why I recommend using someone from outside the family to conduct interviews. People are more likely to say things to a perfect stranger that they would never dream of mentioning to a family member.

Friendships can be difficult to maintain in a modern lifestyle. As Kelly Rigby writes in a recent guest post on zenhabits, “Friendship is like a marriage. It cannot be created once. It must be created over and over again.”

Think, too, of those fleeting friendships that are formed in times of stress, such as “foxhole buddies” in time of war. Often intense, these relationships can help ordinary people survive extraordinary circumstances.

For an alternative view of friendship, check out this 1999 post by Arizona Death Row inmate Richard Rossi. Rossi died in prison in 2006.

Larry Lehmer is a personal historian who helps people preserve their family histories. To learn more, check out his web site or send him an e-mail.

Photo: Linda Lehmer and friends by lwlehmer.

November 16, 2007

Life on the Death Beat: It’s not your parents’ obituary

There’s a maxim in journalism that goes roughly like this: “The average person is guaranteed of getting his name in the paper twice in his lifetime – when he’s born and when he dies. Don’t screw either of those up.”

For many of us, our public legacies reside in the obituaries that appear in print a day or two after our death. Hopefully, our families and others close to us will keep us in their hearts beyond that date, but those newsprint tributes are often the last written chapter to our life story.

The late British writer Quentin Crisp once said, “An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.”

I encourage people in my legacy letter writing classes to write their own obituaries. When faced with the challenge of condensing your life to 250 words or so it forces you to focus on those things most important to you. That focus is critical in writing a legacy letter or ethical will and is a good starting point for a full-blown personal history.

Plus, in these days of paid death notices, it’s important to document your life story in such a way that truly reflects your life as succinctly as possible.

I attended a workshop on obituary writing at the recent national conference of the Association of Personal Historians. Prize-winning obituary writers Larken Bradley (The Point Reyes Light), Alana Baranick (Cleveland Plain Dealer) and Kay Powell (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) lamented the paid-obituary trend and represented the finest of what is something of a dying breed at U.S. newspapers, the professional obituary writer.

Fortunately, APH members like myself can provide the same services that newspapers are abandoning. There’s also help available on line. Check out Obit magazine or the Obituary Forum run by Alana. She’s also co-written a guide to obituary writing, “Life on the Death Beat.”

Larry Lehmer is a personal historian who helps people preserve their family histories. To learn more, visit his web site or send him an e-mail.

Flickr photo courtesy of Robert of Fairfax.

April 11, 2007

Jottings from the world of personal history


 

Ethical wills have been much in the news lately.

For those unfamiliar with the term, an ethical will is a specific form of legacy letter in which a person passes on hopes and beliefs in much the same way that a legal will passes on material goods. An ethical will is a non-legal document.

Of all the people killed in the terrorist attacks of 9/11, it is estimated that less than a third of them had a legal will. Even fewer had ethical wills. While the financial details of a person's estate can be sorted out after that person's death, their hopes and beliefs are gone forever without an ethical will.

These newspapers have carried articles on ethical wills recently: Philadelphia Inquirer, Orange County Register (reprinted in the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel), the Chicago Tribune and Montgomery Advertiser. (Caution: Newspaper links are notoriously fickle; these may not work by the time you read this.)

Nice job, Kathleen. Lots of people try their hand at writing for the Internet. Some are good writers; most are not. It's a particular joy when you find a site that's a delight to read. Kathleen Bell has just such a site. She writes a lot about her family - past and present - and she does it with such style and grace that you feel as if you've been invited to a chat in an old friend's home. I'm sure she won't mind if you drop in.

He said it. "If we want our stories to be known, we need to do it ourselves. We can't wait for other people to do it for us." - Wilbur Howard, founder of Lansing (Mich.) Area African-American Genealogical Society.

Just for fun. Click on over to www.anagramsite.com and plug in a few family names to come up with some interesting combinations to spring on folks at your next family gathering. (Example: Actor Tom Cruise comes out "So I'm cuter). How about you?

Flickr photo courtesy of BugMan50.

March 09, 2007

Little Miss Ultimate Gift


 

The Ultimate Gift, the movie, opens today across America.

The film's producers offered a sneak preview of the film last summer to personal historians and people in the financial services industry because of its message, which basically is that there's more to life than money.

That ties in well with the legacy letters and ethical wills that I offer through my company, When Words Matter. Ethical wills pass on a person's hopes and beliefs in much the same way a legal will passes on material goods.

Some may find the film preachy, simple and overly sentimental, but it makes its points clearly and dramatically. Plus, it has an appealing cast, including Abigail Breslin, last year's breakout child star in Little Miss Sunshine, a role that earned her an Academy Award nomination.

The film's producers also have unfurled a slick marketing campaign for the film, which is based on a popular book by the same name. On their website you can buy all manner of products, from charm bracelets to journals, check out clips from the film and much more.

Flickr photo of Abigail Breslin courtesy of LAKAN346.