No funeral service, no headstone … can these be good things?

A friend died recently. At his request, there were no services of any kind. Since he left his body to a medical school, there is no gravesite to visit.

We weren’t close friends, but I greatly enjoyed his company during the times we did share. I knew him for about 30 years, but there was nearly a half-century of his life before that, a life I knew little about. This was made clear in the newspaper obituary that announced his death. I always found him to be an interesting person, but the details in the obituary made him even more interesting than I had imagined. I looked forward to learning more about him when friends and family would gather to celebrate his life.

Sadly, I never had that opportunity … and I feel cheated. While I totally respect his right to leave this planet in any way he chose, I wish he had chosen another path. Funerals, visitations, wakes and memorial services are as much for the grieving as they are for the departed. I almost always leave such inherently sad occasions feeling even closer to the person being honored. I regret that I never had the chance to share stories about my friend.

It is with some irony that the newspaper at which both my friend and I worked as editors recently carried an article headlined “Green to the grave is a growing trend.” This trend includes some folks who opt for natural burials, using rocks and trees instead of traditional headstones. While this practice is, indeed, more natural, I wonder how future family historians will react to finding great grandma under an oak tree instead of beneath a neatly engraved headstone.

No services, no headstones. How do you suppose either of these affects a person’s long-term legacy?

Larry Lehmer is a professional personal historian and chief legacy planner at When Words Matter, Ltd., who connects generations through their stories. To learn more, visit his web site, send him an e-mail or follow him on Twitter.

Flickr photo courtesy of di_the_huntress

Comments

[Amy Coffin]

I have never been to a family funeral because no one in my very small family has ever wanted a burial or service. I try to keep their memory alive through my research, blog and various Internet tributes. It's all I can do.

Thanks for sharing your perspective on the subject. I understand completely.

[Joanna]

Sadly, obituaries are becoming a thing of the past also, as the fee newspapers charge to publish one (or even a very basic death notice) increases. Many families therefore consider obits an "unnecessary expense" when a loved one passes.

[Amanda]

Obituries aren't a family choise, though, surely? It's up to a newspaper whether it thinks someone newsworth enough to be featured when he dies.

[Thomas Friese]

Larry, I totally empathize with you. In fact, I have even founded a non-profit initiative to bring back "truly perpetual" cemeteries.

The problem you have recognized with your friend - and this is also true for minimalistic green burials - is that the lack of a personalized and lasting memorial is not recognized until it is too late. This happens on a personal level, by friends and family, but also on a deeper cultural level. Graves are the real soil of humanity - without a tangible link to the past, no culture which merits its name can develop. The humus of human culture is provided by graves. As a historian, you can understand that.

Anyhow, I hope you will visit my site:

http://perpetuasgarden.org

I can also recommend an excellent book on this topic, unparalleled really. "Aladdin's Problem", by Ernst Jünger.

http://www.amazon.com/Aladdins-Problem-Quartet-Encounters-Junger/dp/070430208X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276167849&sr=8-1

Cheers,

Thomas Friese

[Paul Hensby]

When charting the purposes that My Last Song (www.mylastsong.co) could fulfill, it soon became clear that there was a need to encourage people to write down their personal and family social histories because the ability for intergenerational communication was fast disappearing. Parents/grandparents too busy or too removed to talk to children...children communicating via the computer and no family time.
And if not captured, these valuable and utterly unique pieces of social history will be lost for ever.
It was one of the reasons why we added the Vault to My Last Song.
This is a secure digital storage area, divided into helpful sections, into which people put the information their loved ones and executor will need immediately after death, and also the personal details, images, stories, obituaries, details of friends, achievements, secrets that can be accessed by future generations of the family.